Bleh

I’m still recovering from the bad news. I was really avoiding people because pretty much every single person in the world says something that upsets me, then I was doing better for a couple of days, but now I’m back to avoiding again. A week ago I saw an attorney I know in the grocery store, and I seriously turned on my heel and left so that I wouldn’t have to talk to her. I hate the conversation where someone asks me how I did on the bar exam and I tell them the answer – it is unbearable and almost exactly the same every time – and I just can’t stand to have it again. It’s the look on the person’s face that bothers me the most. So I have been dodging conversations and keeping to myself for the most part.

I will have to snap out of it by tomorrow because I am going to start a new law clerk job. The people who hired me love me for my litigation experience, and don’t seem to care about the bar exam at all. They seem very nice, and are amenable to letting me have 2 weeks off for the bar exam, which is good. So we’ll see. It definitely isn’t where I thought I would be 6 months after graduating from law school, but I’m trying not to dwell on that too much because asking myself the “how on earth did I get here” question makes me insane.

I had a dream last night that I passed the bar exam on my second try, then I was kind of mad all day because it was one of those really realistic dreams where you don’t figure out until you’ve been awake for a while that it wasn’t real. The night before that I had a much better dream, where I had an (ahem) interaction with Marilyn Manson. But we won’t get into that! Very few people know about my fascination with Marilyn Manson. We won’t get into that either!

I have started listening to my bar review lectures in the car. My new job will involve a pretty long commute, so I have my ipod all set up for Evidence and Wills/Trusts this week. I did Torts over the weekend. I have also started working through the Bar Breaker essay books, though I haven’t made a ton of progress yet. I need to get settled into my new job/new routine for a week or so, then I will map out a serious bar study schedule.

I have to register for the new bar exam. The testing locations near me are full so I’m going to have to travel, which adds insult to injury. If they’re going to fail me they could at least save me a seat at a decent location.

On a positive note, I have been reading A Civil Action by Jonathan Harr for about the third or fourth time. It’s such a good book. I also have been reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois Frankel. All of them in little bits at a time, which are about to become even smaller bits after tomorrow. I think I will read myself to sleep tonight and hope for good dreams.

I should change my blog title. Another day.